This is my third attempt at creating this post. I first wrote it on Thursday night just before travelling to San Francisco. I clearly didn't save it properly, so the heading appeared and not the content. I'm now writing this from my hotel room and I've just lost the second draft!! Third time lucky?
I arrived yesterday and love the vibe of San Francisco. In attempt to adjust to the time zone I stayed up as long as possible. My hotel is close to Fisherman's Wharf so I spent the evening wandering along Pier 39, taking photos of the bay and the city skyline. This place feels warm and welcoming. I am reminded of Brighton, including the hills! Oh those hills! Crossing the city is one giant roller coaster. I'm sure the hills are at a 45° angle! The inclines are incredible. I was in a minibus shuttle from the airport with the maddest of drivers who took breathtaking risks.
I still can't quite believe I am here. In the preceding weeks I have tormented myself with fear and doubt. Had I not paid my fees I would have cancelled. And I was full of anxiety about ridiculous things, such as travelling alone (I've done this so many times before), the distance, the flight, missing the flight (wishful thinking), not getting a seat (more wishful thinking), not coping with jet lag, not knowing how to get to the hotel, crazy making stuff. Imagine my horror at Heathrow T5 when the self service check in system said I didn't have seat. Had my wish not to go come true? I was allocated a seat by the check in staff and what a beauty it was! Loads of space and leg room. During my 11 hour flight I read Girl On A Train in its entirety, and it's a great read.
Over and over again since March I've asked myself why I am doing this? What on earth possessed me to sign up for Chris Zydel's teacher training in Expressive Arts? (www.creativejuicesarts.com)
My fear is the fear of the unknown which is countered by an even greater desire, the sense of a calling. The calling trumps the fear. I took an online Spreecast with Chris about Resistance in which she said resistance often masks a want, a yearning, a soul calling. The greater the resistance the greater the calling. So true! I've spent weeks (a lifetime?) grappling my demons of "not good enough" and "who do you think you are, you're not an *artist*". Imposter syndrome has been alive and kicking.
I reflected on how often I've helped others to overcome their fears, to develop their self-confidence. And I do have courage. So why is this different? I have a sense of the importance of this journey. It's more than a physical journey. It's about coming home to me, even if I am travelling half way round the world to do it. That's commitment, and it's a commitment to my self. Without wanting to sound cheesy I have a sense of The Hero's Journey, how we embark on an adventure not really knowing where it will take us or where we will land, and that we will return changed. I feel I am stepping through a portal, a gateway. And in doing so I will meet a deep longing, such that I make a difference to myself and will be enabled to make a difference to others in their journeys.